Previously - Lydia cried, The Benefactor released a dead pool list, Parrish was shockingly worth $5 million, Beacon Hills turned into an assassin haven, Malia found out Peter is her father over Stiles' objections, Scott guessed the Benefactor was a banshee based on really sketchy assumptions, and Lydia found her granny's dead pool code.
The scene opens to find Parrish zip tied to his steering wheel while DoucheCop, who harassed Teen Derek earlier, throws gasoline on the police car. Always knew you were a jerk. Didn't know you were a pyro too. Parrish awakens so DoucheCop throws gas on him too. With all the Beacon Hills money woes, this guy sure wastes a lot of good gas. To be fair, he expects to get $5 million for Parrish's steaming corpse so I guess it's an investment. Oh and DoucheCop is an assassin. I knew Beacon Hills couldn't afford to look too deeply into their employee's pasts. Only the shady would work here with its crummy insurance package and high death rate. They're lucky to get applicants at all. Parrish tries to reason with DoucheCop to no avail. "Hey listen, I mean I barely make $40,000 a year." DoucheCop: "I only make $36." Ha! Not helping. Parrish: "You're just going to stand there? You're just going to listen to a fellow deputy burn to death?" Nah, the douche is prepared. He puts in ear buds and I laugh. Stone Cold Cop Assassin tosses in a lighter as Parrish goes up in flames. I'd be worried but it's the cold open. He's not dying. Evidently resurrection is a season 4 theme since Stiles and Lydia convince Sheriff that Granny Banshee is alive and kicking too. They theorize that she's the Benefactor or working for him. I still call shenanigans, but they peak Sheriff's interest and he asks DoucheCop if he's seen Parrish. He's a convincing liar but needs to watch a cop show. You don't use your work laptop when arranging payment for a hit. To channel Hermione, "What an idiot!" Not that he's getting paid because an extra crispy Parrish comes to work and he's irate. DoucheCop goes for his gun but it's a one and done with assassination for him. Parrish takes him down but in the chaos Sheriff gets shot because NOTHING GOOD CAN HAPPEN TO HIM! Oh Sheriff. Parrish wails DoucheCop unconscious if not dead while the Benefactor denies his request for payment. This really didn't work well for you, Douche. Good. 4 minutes and someone's already died and been resurrected, one's beaten to a pulp, and another shot. Welcome to Teen Wolf.
Back at his ramshackle loft, Derek takes up palm reading. Huh? No wait, he confirms Parrish is alive. No wait…oh who cares. They recap the open for anyone coming in late and Lydia and Derek discuss details but Parrish is a big picture guy. "I was set on fire. All of me should be gone." Ha! He's definitely no werewolf but Derek pulls a Deaton and has no clue what he is. Scott reminds us that he knew about Jackson and Kira but no dice for fans tonight. Parrish calls time out at the word bestiary and they laugh at his naiveté when he calls Lydia a psychic. Oh baby, you're about to dive head first in the weirdness they call Beacon Hills. Derek and Scott have a silent conversation (awww) when Parrish asks what they are, so Scott flashes his alpha eyes. Strangely they never show Parrish's reaction. Sheriff however reacts big time to the hospital costs of being shot. What the heck? He gets shot in the line of duty and his insurance doesn't pick up the tab? I call shenanigans! Leave Beacon Hills now. They don't deserve you. Apparently getting shot is no longer an emergency at Beacon Hills Memorial either since he has to wait until the next day for surgery. Again, "What the heck?!?" Stiles demands some respect for Sheriff, who's more worried about the bottom line so Stiles goes full blown, nail chewing worried. Sheriff: "Hey, stop that. I was just curious about the terminology. We're not in any kind of dire straits." Stiles calls his bull and admits to spying on him since, well at least the pilot. Sheriff is not happy. Stiles: "I go through all your stuff, especially when you keep things from me." Sheriff: "I keep things from you because you don't need to know everything." Stiles: "Yes I do. I have to know everything. How the hell else am I supposed to take care of you?" Yeah, wrong thing to say. Sheriff adamantly declares it's his job to take care of Stiles, not the other way around. I agree but theirs is not a typical situation. Stiles: "We're supposed to take care of each other." Awww, poor babies. Sheriff deflates and he says they'll be okay. Stiles: "How do you know, dad?" Sheriff: "I don't but the morphine's kicking in and I'm not all that worried about anything right now." Ha! Stiles isn't as lucky. That's one freaked out teen.
Parrish is one freaked out and confused adult. They really need a chessboard because kanima is throwing him for a loop. Scott bottom lines it with the dead pool list, but poor Parrish has no clue what he is. Derek: "I'm pretty sure they don't care." Ouch and true. Problem is it's not just pros anymore, since Parrish is sure DoucheCop is strictly amateur hour. The music ramps up when Parrish asks how many people have the list, so that's frightening but since the scene turns into mopey Liam, I officially don't care. Until his printer goes psycho, spitting out multiple copies of all 3 lists until he finally unplugs it. Well scratch eco-terrorists off the list. The Benefactor kills more trees than supernaturals. Seriously dude, try mass e-mail or text. Save the planet. In the most abrupt scene change yet, we flash in on Meredith at the lake house. Ah, it's a Lydia-exposited flashback of a random character. Every season has one. Granny Banshee's girlfriend died in a boating accident on the lake after she had her first supernatural experience while at work for IBM. (Smarts definitely run in Lydia's family.) The sound of rain kept getting louder until she screamed and a banshee was born. Sadly there's no banshee mentoring program so she turned to parapsychology, mediums, and psychics for answers. The white room was created for their pseudoscience study but things went poorly until she found Meredith at Eichen House, even though Granny doesn't look old enough and Meredith's the exact same. Do banshees age? While using Meredith as a guinea pig they almost killed her, leaving her in the hospital for over a year and nuts. Lydia: "My grandmother drove her insane and I drove her to suicide, and all she ever wanted to do was help." Urgh! Lydia hands Scott the code her grandma created but she's as helpful as everyone else in Beacon Hills so no cipher key. It's all over Parrish's head, who just sits in his police car staring at his hands. Helpful clue to what he is or more proof Teen Wolf directors have a hand fetish? You decide.
Meanwhile I air Gibbs slap Derek for leaving a hand gun on his bed. Guess Braeden forgot safety lessons. Scott picks it and questions Derek about it. He confesses that his werepowers are basically gone so Scott adds more bad news. "Your name broke the third list." Wait a minute! You didn't tell Derek his name is the third cipher key? Foul on that play! Foul on Derek for not sharing his becoming human problem too. Nothing good comes from these secrets, guys. What are you, Winchesters? Scott: "It could mean that you're in danger." Derek: "Scott, banshees don't predict danger. They predict death." Duhn, duhn…nope, not happening. Jeff Davis finally realizes how important you are Derek, so you live at least another season. I guess the conversation wrapped up quickly after that because it's another bizarre cut to Scott leaving his room. He gets distracted by Garrett's blood money duffle when he realizes the zipper's slightly undone. Did someone skip Personal Finance class because it's time to get a safety deposit box or open an account somewhere, Scott. He very dramatically counts the money and from the angle I can't tell if there's money missing or not. I assume Stiles took some. Regardless it is utter filler which will probably be discussed next week so it could have waited until then. So could Liam's berserker PTSD, but they have to get Mason and Liam's contracted time fulfilled. Amazingly the annual super important lacrosse bonfire we've never heard of before is tonight and Mason wants to find a man. Liam is uninterested but best friends totally override you when you're in a funk. It's their job. Coach's job is to discourage teen drinking by saying its stupid and putting Scott in charge of narcing. Nice. Way to put him on the spot. Scott's more worried about Liam's anxiety and tries to talk to him but they are interrupted when Coach's printer goes mad, spewing hundreds of copies of the dead pool list. It's revised. Derek's off the list and Liam is worth 18 million. Say what? Why? Let me guess…Liam's a true alpha. Blech!
Thankfully it's back to Stiles and Lydia, who try to decipher Granny Banshee's new code. It isn't going well. Stiles tapes a picture of Granny and her girlfriend to the Plexi Wall of Death while Lydia guesses the cipher key. Stiles suggests Maddie, Lydia, and ScienceMom to no avail. ScienceMom makes no sense anyway given she's the daughter-in-law. I'd guess dad's name first. Stiles: "Do you have any beloved family pets?" Ha! Not helping. They get increasingly frustrated while the printer beeps, "Feed me." Stiles puts paper in while having a breakthrough - focus on Lydia instead of Granny since the code was left for her. So Lydia brainstorms reading The Little Mermaid with her. Stiles: "You read that movie?" (Facepalm and head shake.) Lydia sets him straight about Hans Christian Anderson and remembers making everyone call her Ariel. Bingo - another dead pool list comes up, this one including Granny Banshee's name. They take it to Parrish. "Well it's not another dead pool. More like an Already Dead Pool." He explains that everyone on the list committed suicide at Eichen House. Yikes, I'm not sure which needs to be salted and burned most - the high school, the hospital, the sheriff's station, or Eichen House. They are all storing some seriously bad mojo. Plus now they have to break into Eichen House, which is a whole lot harder than breaking out. Stiles thinks a bribe will work, which can only mean DoucheOrderly. Argh! Please go away. No such luck. He wants $1,000 and a chance to keep insulting Stiles to open the file room. At this time I expect Stiles to pull out the blood money, but it's Lydia walking around with $500 cash. Say what? I thought everyone was broke but apparently they just have never heard of banks. Who walks around with that much cash? Better question - why does DoucheOrderly have a mix tape on cassette no less? Stiles and Lydia exchange a silent conversation and then DECIDE TO FOLLOW HIM ANYWAY. Are you people nuts?
We interrupt this very important development to join yet another Teen Wolf rave. I can't even. This one takes place AT the high school. No way teens get drunk by a fire at a sanctioned high school event. In fact, no way a high school sponsors a bonfire anywhere anymore after the Texas A & M disaster. School district lawyers would never permit it. Still Malia is a balm for my suddenly throbbing head. (In my best granny voice: "Turn down the music.") She tries to cope with her 99 problems by getting drunk, but
Scott remembers all the way back to season 1 that they can't get drunk. Kudos! Flo the continuity fairy is proud. Malia's not the only one trying to drink her sorrows away as Mason tells Liam to drink up. "Maybe then when I ask you what's going on you'll be too drunk to lie." Ouch. Mason: "I'm not asking because I want to know. I'm asking because I want to help." Aww Mason, you're making it very hard to keep disliking you for replacing Danny. Why couldn't you be yet another douche or teen assassin? Instead it's Liam who's the douche. He looks over at Malia before going for another round. You deserve better, Mason. Malia deserves the truth but not tonight. Scott: "I just want to talk." Malia: "I just want to dance." Ha! Scott presses on about trying to protect her but she interrupts. "That's what Peter said you would say. And guess what he said next? That you were right. Does that surprise you?" Scott: "No, it makes me wonder what he wants." You and me both, honey. Malia cuts the conversation off when Scott brings up Stiles, which signals big emoangsting ahead but again not tonight since she stumbles, forcing Scott to catch her. Malia: "Is this what drunk feels like? It doesn't feel as good as I hoped." Scott: "I don't think you're supposed to." Nice PSA, MTV. I approve. Liam is also down for the count. For the love of my sanity, please tell me there is not wolfsbane or mountain ash in that bonfire.
Not to be outdone, Stiles and Lydia allow DoucheOrderly to lock them in the file room. When Lydia hands Stiles the list, he finds that she added his name. Never a good sign. They are too busy arguing to notice DoucheOrderly slip back into the room. Again not a good sign. He tases them and laughs about it. Two thoughts race through my mind. 1. They should have outed DoucheOrderly earlier. His maniacal laugh is chilling. 2. Will someone please give Stiles and Lydia self-defense lessons? It's been over a year since Scott turned. They've faced werewolves, hybrids like the kanima, evil druids, evil humans, and a nogitsune. It's beyond time they know how to inflict some damage before getting taken out. Maybe Braeden can teach them. She goes in to grill DoucheCop and ends up breaking his nose when he gets sassy. Two thumbs way up! Sadly the rave music also gets pumped up. Scott drags Malia to Liam, but before he can get them out he falls ill as well even though he abstained from alcohol. He makes another wild conjecture based on…I don't know what, and tells Mason the music is killing them. It's killing my head too. Enough Teen Wolf. Scott tells Mason to watch the others as he turns it off, but all werecreatures get rounded up by security and taken to the school hallway. Mason tries to come with but Head Security Assassin shoves him away. Obviously there's an Assassin Cop poker group because they came to burn on DoucheCop's orders. Huh? Another $7.85 in gasoline is poured over Scott's head. Immolation is all the rage in Beacon Hills these days. Yet another reason to move. As Head Security Assassin flicks his Bic in Scott's face, Mason shows a decided lack of upper body strength as he wrestles to unplug the amp and kill the music. I guess it's a very strong plug. Still he succeeds and the world goes blissfully silent. Alpha eye-ing out Scott takes the lighter to close it in the most dramatic fashion ever. You re-lid that lighter, Scott. Luckily Braeden and Derek arrive at that moment and the only action of the night breaks out. Derek takes down two assassins while Braeden makes sure Mr. Bic won't walk anytime soon. Awesome! Scott: "What happened to the gun?" Derek: "You're covered in gasoline." I adore Smart Derek. Being human suits him.
Back at the precinct, Parrish realizes all the suicides were co-signed by DoucheOrderly. Couldn't catch that before Stiles and Lydia were tied up in the File Room of Predicted Banshee Death? Lydia weakly screams for help. She must be losing her voice because we all know she can scream louder than that. Stiles says it's a waste of time anyway because a lot of people scream in Eichen House. For those not4 paying attention, Lydia spells out that the alleged suicides were actually murders. The rest of us already knew because we're smart like that. Lydia: "She predicted her own death. She knew I'd figure it out…" DoucheOrderly: "Once you were able to predict your own. But they weren't murders. I am not some serial killer like Ted Bundy, going around cutting up college girls." Stiles: "Nah, you're just an angel of death." DoucheOrderly: "I don't think you understand my level of commitment to my work here, Stiles." Jeepers, he's creepy. I like it. CrazyPants Orderly it is. He continues the delusion by saying he showed those patients mercy. "There are people here who don't simply need treatment. They need release. I helped them. I helped Lorraine." Lydia: "You killed her." CrazyPants, holding a cassette: "I helped her and now you can help me because there is something on it that has always bothered me." I cannot stress enough how awesome he is here. The acting in this scene is topnotch as CrazyPants forces Lydia to listen to a tape of her granny dying. Stiles voraciously protests. "Lydia, look at me. Don't listen. Okay, don't listen to it. Just focus on my voice alright? You don't listen to it. Block it out, okay? Lydia. Hey, turn it off." CrazyPants punches him, but I love when Stiles and Lydia pep talk to protect each other. They have a beautiful friendship. As CrazyPants holds Lydia's face, she listens to her granny beg, "Please don't hurt her." When CrazyPants asks who, she replies, "Ariel." That's one powerful banshee. Even more powerful is the acting. Not a word is spoken, but volumes are said by all three.
Lydia refuses to gratify CrazyPants with an answer, so he moves to Plan B. "We get a lot of teenagers trying to break into our drug cabinets. Most of the time they don't succeed, but you two look pretty clever to me." At least he's not underestimating them. CrazyPants is the Crowley of Teen Wolf. As he preps the syringe, he snarks, "I'll admit Stiles, I don't have any unusual talents like Lydia, but somehow I just knew we were going to get a chance to do this again." As CrazyPants goes to inject Lydia and Stiles yells, it is Parrish to the rescue. "Drop it. Take your thumb off that needle and slowly withdraw from her neck." That may be the weirdest cease and desist phrasing ever but it distracts CrazyPants, who decides taunting Parrish is his best plan. Okay. Because he is from Beacon Hills where it isn't a plan unless it ends spectacularly badly. CrazyPants: "Young deputy, you're just a kid. I bet you've never even fired a…" Bang! Parrish shoots him while I wonder where CrazyPants thinks he's been living. The Sheriff's office sees more combat action than a war zone. Of course he has experience even without the military background. Lydia and Stiles get Parrish up to speed while untying themselves, but CrazyPants has one more surprise for them. "You think it was me? That I was controlling her." He laughs through bloody teeth, sufficiently creeping me out. CrazyPants: "She was controlling me." As he dies coughing up blood, Lydia realizes the truth. Lydia: "It's not him. He's not the Benefactor." That is zero surprise but it still can't be good. Around the corner, a voice mutters, "No and he wasn't on my list but he was a bad person." Ladies and gentlemen, rising from the dead, we give you Meredith, the Benefactor. Duhn, duhn, duhn.
All in all I liked this episode and I have no idea why. All I know is any show that can take my least favorite character and turn him into the most riveting thing about an episode gets an air high 5 from me. This episode was all about Senor CrazyPants DoucheOrderly for me. They should have made him insane earlier and I would have rooted for more of him the whole time. Don't get me wrong. I'm ecstatic he's dead…or well, about as dead as anyone on Teen Wolf really can be. I hope he doesn't come back, but he absolutely stole every scene he was in tonight. Considering he was on screen with both Stiles and Lydia, that is a feat of work. I am also fine with Meredith being the Benefactor. I have no idea how logically they can get around her doing all this stuff unless she has an army of minions, but I love the idea of her being a criminal mastermind capable of fooling everyone. Smart villains are always more fun. I hope she escapes and plays a cat and mouse game for the remaining episodes. The biggest flaw of Perishable was all the filler though. There were lingering shots complete with dramatic music on the most random things and much of it felt like it could be cut or held for another episode. I also miss action. Season 4 has been too light on action sequences and it is throwing the pace off, making this the first Teen Wolf season that feels like its dragging a little. Usually Teen Wolf moves so fast it makes my head spin and I'm left gasping, trying to process everything that happens in an episode. This time there have been several episodes when I've looked at the time, wondering when it will end. That's not Teen Wolf so I hope we get action-packed soon. They are running out of episodes to pick up the pace.
Best Reason to Watch - Benefactor revealed
Best Awww Scene - Stiles worries about Sheriff / Stiles worries about Lydia
The "Poor Baby" Award - Sheriff, who keeps getting hurt by the supernatural
Best Character Interaction - Stiles, Lydia, DoucheOrderly
Biggest Cliffhanger - What is Parrish?
The WTH Award - have to wait until next day to get bullet out of you
The "Mega Minor Drama" Award - for all those times when the drama and music outweighed what was actually going on in the story: unplugging printers, Parrish hands, counting money, lighter reclosing, super strong amp wire. You were like that cat that jumps out at the beginning of a horror movie. All build up and no pay off.
The "So Much For Money Woes" Award - Lydia, who carries $500 on her person in cash
The "Oh for the Love of My Sanity" Award - someone get Stiles and Lydia self-defense lessons
Biggest Leap - Scott decides it's not wolfsbane but music
The "Dude, It's Beacon Hills" Award - Seriously DoucheOrderly, cops at Beacon Hills get more combat experience than those on a warfront. Even if Parrish wasn't a vet, he's no rookie.
The "It's Not Just Werewolf Powers" Award - Evidently banshee powers go wonky as well. Granny Banshee couldn't predict that Derek would lose his werewolf powers. Maybe she mixed up Derek and Peter.
Screencaps by TV Den
, TV Unfiltered
, Team TSD
, Teen Wolf Wikia
, and Forever Young Adult