Previously - Pete accidentally released Paracelsus to take over the warehouse in an attempt to cure Myka of cancer, Artie told Claudia her sister was alive and she didn't take it well, Myka had tumor surgery, and everyone was kicked out of the warehouse except Claudia, who faced off against Paracelsus believing the warehouse would protect her.
Starting exactly where season 4 left off, Claudia and Paracelsus trade barbs as he sends a fireball her way. The warehouse changes it to ice crystals. Claudia: "Looks like your warehouse still has a little bit of a crush on me." Ha! Claudia tries to tesla Paracelsus to no avail, so he breaks out a WWII kamikaze tessen fan and canon. No dice, the warehouse won't hurt either of them. Claudia: "You're wasting your time, Voldemort. I'm as much a part of this warehouse as you are and it won't let you kill me." Uh oh, Claudia. You just gave him an idea. Instead of trying to kill her, Paracelsus chooses to control her like he controls the warehouse. He uses Orville Wright's aviator glasses on Claudia to learn about the time machine and his absolute pursuit of science begins as he demands Claudia's help in combining artifacts, including Karl Schwarzschild's pocket watch, Marquis de Laplace's telescope, and Theodosius of Bithynia's sun dial. He also learns of Claudia's time in a mental facility. Paracelsus: "You know I too was thought to be mad. We have that in common." Claudia: "Except I'm a normal human being and you're a sociopathic murderer. Other than that, we're twins." Bwah! Claudia is killing it tonight. Meanwhile at the hospital, a very concerned Pete picks up Myka to her discomfort. Pete: "I'm sorry but saying my name does not allay my fears." Myka stresses she's fine, unlike the warehouse situation where Steve gets the short end of the stick. Artie makes him drive a goo-covered car into the shield, unsuccessfully. At the same time Mrs. Frederic checks in to say she's off to find the regents who are sequestered in a secret location. Artie: "Hell of a time for a retreat." Mrs. Frederic: "I don't think a warehouse coup was on anyone's calendar." True. Back at the hospital, Pete fills Myka in on what she missed, minus why he released Paracelsus. Mid-conversation, Myka realizes they can dismantle the shield at the observatory. Woo hoo for Smart Myka!
Apparently they don't inform Artie and Steve though, since Artie compiles a large stack of car batteries and jumper cables. Yeah, no danger there. Steve shares my concerns. "You can say emergency all you want but it's still illegal." Artie: "Oh please, of all the illegal things I've done, this is probably the least illegal. Remember we're trying to save Claudia's life." Steve: "Yes, and that's going to be a lot harder to do from prison." Ha! Artie plans to stop Paracelsus with Achilles' arrow, but first he needs Steve to hold jumper cables to the shield to disable it. No dummy, Steve insists Artie takes one side. Steve: "Maybe I'll stand a chance to live through this." Or not. The red cable sends him flying, as Artie watches safely on the black side. Luckily Myka and Pete arrive before Artie thinks of another plan. She rails at them for not reading the manual addendum, which clearly explains the observatory failsafe which makes it look like the shield is up when it really isn't. Since Steve is done with guinea pig duties, he makes Myka go first. Ha! Smart move! Now safely inside, the group splits up. Artie and Myka head to the Eldunari while Pete and Steve create a diversion and search for the arrow that killed Achilles. Alas it's a Paracelsus- controlled Claudia they find instead. She shoots a bazooka, Al Capone's guns and the bomb that didn't kill Hitler at them. Things look bleak when they're trapped at a dead end with Claudia closing in. In the Eldunari, Artie plans to use Sargon the Great's mirrors to simultaneously force the flames back to the alcoves and in essence reboot the warehouse. Myka: "What happens if it's not exactly simultaneous?" Artie: "Unclear. The flames will probably consume us both." Myka: "That sounds pretty clear to me." Myka's iffy on the plan, since they're essentially guessing here. Artie: "It's not an exact science." Myka: "I know. I miss exact science." After a short sneeze break, they succeed right in the nick of time. As the Norse symbols finally re-appear in the Eldunari, Claudia regains control and Paracelsus is disconnected from the warehouse.
Yet, he's still not out. They soon realize he created a fully operational time machine using 4 artifacts: HG Wells' time machine, the Marquis de Laplace's telescope, Karl Schwarzschild's pocket watch, and Theodosius of Bithynia's sundial. Pete: "I'm so glad people today have names like Dave." (You and me both, given that sometimes researching artifacts is a pain.) Paracelsus steps through the wormhole right before they get there, Pete shoots the arrow but it misses, and Myka and Artie toss silverware at the group right before a huge quake rocks the warehouse. Suddenly everything is different and they find themselves in an industrial area, where Paracelsus has been caretaker of the past 5 warehouses. Nice to be immortal, I guess. Artie claims Paracelsus hasn't changed much in history, given the same historical path has occurred, while Myka points out the new motto, Scientia Sit Omne - Media ad Pinem Justificat, which roughly means science is everything - the ends justify the means. That can't be good. Artie, Steve, and Myka debate time travel, explaining that the silverware they hold allows them to remember the previous time continuum. It's from King Louis XIV's Versailles palace, which evidently had a time slip problem. I've no idea how it works but luckily Pete stops the time travel discussion with a Star Wars joke and common sense. Pete: "Don't try and explain time travel. It never makes sense and it always makes my head hurt. We're here; the world is different. Let's find Perry and kick his a**." Absolutely! Meanwhile Claudia is distracted by the vastly superior technology, which pops up a hologram Paracelsus tour guide. Steve: "He's like that annoying paperclip." Pete: "Geez, the ego on this guy." Ha!
Claudia brings them back to focus. She needs to get to the computer hub to hack the system, but Artie protests that he needs her to create the time machine. Sorry Artie. Claudia makes a lot of sense. She can talk them through creating the time machine, but they still need to know where Paracelsus went originally so they can stop him. Our little Claudia is all grown up…until she starts snapping at Artie about her sister. (Deep sigh) I can't wait until this contrived conflict is over and they move on. There's only 5 episodes left and I don't want to spend them with Claudia and Artie at odds. Suffice it to say, Claudia wins the argument so she and Pete head off to find the hub. On their way, Pete asks about the tension. Pete: "I'm sorry. I left my Claudia-Artie codebook in my other pants, so spill." No dice. They're interrupted by super soldiers marching around. Pete: "Oh man, they have Borgs here. Why does the creepy killer's warehouse get to be cooler than ours?" Ha! The soldiers are set up with Chester Moore Hall's achromatic lens and the Spine of the Saracen. Nice call back to previous episodes. Even better, they are led by Valda - aka Mark Sheppard, woo hoo! Pete: "Oh great. Maybe MacPherson and Walter Sykes are running the snack bar." Bwah! Let's hope not. Once in the hub, they find Abigail hardwired into the computer system, an organic mainframe. Since the system is literally wired to her spinal cord, they cannot get her out so they use her as Siri instead. Sadly all the info they're looking for is classified. Abigail: "Shall I contact Dr. Paracelsus for clearance?" That's a big NO! They decide to go for more generic info. Pete: "Okay but just tiptoe, okay? Sneaky, sneaky quiet okay?"
Meanwhile, Artie, Myka, and Steve are interrupted in their artifact search by a man's screaming. They are combining artifacts on him despite his pain, which reminds Artie of his parents' stories of Nazi death camps. They finally reassemble Paracelsus' artifact puzzle, but alas the tesla coil is not on full power. They need an alternative to keep Myka and Pete from getting stuck in the past. More importantly, their artifact thieving has been noticed. Claudia and Pete arrive to state that Paracelsus went back to June 10, 1541. That's when all the regents died and Paracelsus became sole controller of the warehouse indefinitely. Myka and Pete start to jump in the wormhole as armed guards amass. To throw them off, Artie gets arrested and Claudia starts to go after him. Steve: "Claud, he's probably going to need you not captured so you can go and rescue him, don't you think?" Ah, the voice of reason. Sadly, Myka and Pete don't fare any better in the 16th century. A warehouse 9 agent, Lisa da Vinci, thinks they're killers and thus has a knife to Myka's throat. Yes, her grandpa was that da Vinci. Pete: "If you have anything that's he's ever drawn, hold on to it because it's going to go through the roof." Ha! Even better, Lisa is not impressed by his time travel story. "What took you so long? My grandfather's been working on time travel for over 40 years." Bwah! While Pete prattles, Myka gets loose and claims Paracelsus killed her men instead. Skeptical, Lisa says he was bronzed that day. That explains why he went back. Lisa uses a magic mirror to confirm that Paracelsus did indeed kill the men and Pete tries to hook up with her. So, the usual. I'm more distracted by the Paracelsus swordfight! They brainstorm about where the regents might meet and Pete mentions the Olive Garden. Aha! An actual olive garden it is. They discover Paracelsus killing the regents via an elephant tusk. Lisa whistles for a purple swamper, a giant bird named Isabella. She's the precursor to purple goo and she's fabulous. Lisa: "Does the warehouse of the future no longer use purple swampers to subdue artifacts? That's insanity." Ha! I like her. She should come back. So should Isabella, who hoists the tusk off.
Back in Alter-Warehouse, Claudia hooks up a stationary bike for Steve to pedal to keep the wormhole open, as the theme song to Gilligan's Island sticks in my brain. Steve: "Jumper cables again. What could possibly go wrong?" Poor thing, you always get the worst jobs. Claudia leaves to find Artie while Valda prepares to torture him despite his false continuum ranting. Oh joy! Valda: "People who believe in multiple realities are generally considered insane. We have several artifacts that can cure that." Hmm, I'd think no story told in the warehouse would be dismissed out of hand. They've must have seen a lot in the past few centuries. Paracelsus interrupts, gloating. Artie: "500 years and you've learned nothing." He certainly hasn't learned to avoid the villain monologue. It's always their downfall. Paracelsus: "You will be thrilled to see how much can be learned when we use artifacts as tools rather than collectibles. Quite useful to mankind." Enter Dr. Vanessa and Hugo. Good to have you back! Um, maybe not, since you're on Team Paracelsus. Artie tries to convince them that he knows them through personal facts in a fun trip down WH13 lane. He brings up Vanessa removing his appendix several times. Vanessa: "Well that must have been some affair. What did we do for our honeymoon? A kidney transplant." Hugo: "Nessa, we've been married this long. You've never touched my appendix. Should I be hurt?' Ha! Vanessa and Hugo explain that Paracelsus has their kids, which is why they keep butt-kissing him. It's also why they won't let Artie go. Conveniently Paracelsus senses Claudia and goes in search of the artifacts, leaving Claudia free to save Artie before they use Joan of Arc's helmet, a Tower of London rack spindle, and Bleckwenn's stethoscope on him. Sidestepping their explanations, Artie exposits their purpose. Hugo: "Then you probably also know that if used together, it might extract the truth." Artie: "Yes, also might fry my brain." Ouch!
Claudia arrives just in time but before I can cheer, she starts snotting off about her sister again. Give it a rest! Aren't you the same person who got on her moral high horse and told Nick to stop bratting about his father and grow up? Take your own advice, honey. We've only got 5 episodes left. Artie reasons with her: "I'm still the same man that's loved you like a father since the day you put me in electrified handcuffs and kidnapped me. I'm just trying to protect you." Claudia: "You can't, Artie. You can't protect me anymore. You have to let me make my own mistakes and you have to let me get hurt if that's what's supposed to happen." Sadly, Paracelsus agrees…at least with the getting hurt part. Hugo and Vanessa bring in a mirror and Claudia starts talking about Alice. Oh please no, not her again! Back in the 1500's, Lisa plans to trap Paracelsus before he gets to the Eldunari. Pete: "She's bossy." Myka: "You love it." Pete: "I do." A one-trick pony, Paracelsus throws multiplying sparklers at Pete, but Pete brings him down with the scalpel from the season 4 finale. It hurts Paracelsus in both time continuums. While chokeholding him, Pete accuses Paracelsus of lying to him about Myka within her hearing. She now knows why Pete let Paracelsus out. I now know Pete should never make puns again. Sadly, alter-Paracelsus knows Steve's location and tries to kill him. Just then Paracelsus gets re-bronzed in the past and the warehouse returns to normal. Woo hoo! I'm as excited as Steve is. But not as excited as Pete, who places a bronzed Paracelsus in the Egyptian section with a card that reads Ralph Brunsky, Egyptian terrorist. Ha! That's the guy who picked on Pete as a kid. Artie doesn't find it near as funny as I do. Artie: "Now put him in the Bronze Sector." Pete: "Aw, dad." Artie: "Now or you're going to be grounded for a week." Bwah! I love this dynamic.
What I don't love is Claudia's wacky gut instinct. Claudia: "Well it's this feeling that something is changing. I can't explain it, but something has begun. It's good and bad." Steve: "It's not comforting. Definitely not and I wish that you were lying." I agree, Steve. This cannot be good. Abigail wonders if it has to do with the ultra secret summons she's received from the regents. Again, not good. The others leave, but Myka stays to question Pete about Paracelsus' release and the scalpel artifact. Pete: "I don't remember, Myka. That was like two time travels ago." Ha! She finally tells him she overheard what he said to Paracelsus and he can't deny it any more. Pete: "So sue me. I didn't want you to die." Myka soft voices, and I'm confused because that is not Myka. As Pete starts to smile, Myka punches him. Now that's the Myka I know. Myka: "We always put the warehouse first. I am your partner; I'm not your girlfriend." Pete: "Alright, alright, geez. I'm still going to put you first. Why don't you go punch that?" Ha! I really hope they continue Myka and Pete's brother-sister vibe but alas this is 21st century TV. All shows must fall on their swords to shipper whims. Argh! Even worse, we get another scene where Claudia harps on Artie about Claire. Artie asks for some time but Claudia just walks away. My eyes hurt from rolling. Artie's so discombobulated he shrugs off a missing artifact, which is completely out-of-character for him. Say what? However, I will disregard it because guess who grabbed some Versailles silverware and is back. Valda! Woo hoo and yippee! Mark Sheppard makes every show better. I have no idea what he's up to but I can't wait to see him on my screen next week too. Thanks Warehouse 13. I needed that fix.
Warehouse 13 came back full throttle this episode and while I very much enjoyed it, there were issues. First is the contrived conflict between Artie and Claudia. I'd be fine with it if we weren't now down to 5 episodes. As we are, there is no time for Claudia to be acting like a brat and for Artie to be mopey. They need to fix this rift quickly because I'm not spending my last 5 episodes telling characters to shut up and throwing socks at my screen. I was also disappointed that Paracelsus was dispatched so easily. I hoped he would stick around for a few more episodes at least. Not that I'm complaining about Mark Sheppard being back as Valda. I love that guy. Still Paracelsus had so much story left, it felt rushed when it didn't have to be. Imagine Anthony Stewart Head and Mark Sheppard on the screen together for 5 episodes! That would have been epic. Alas it will not be. On the positive side, this episode is chock full of references to previous seasons, a basketful of Easter eggs to the fans. Plus it introduced Lisa da Vinci and Isabella into canon, quite the delight. I know it would be hard to work them back into the last 5 episodes, but I'm still holding out for some kind of TV movie. I hope this is not the last we see of them. I also enjoyed the fast-pace of the episode and the constant humor that makes Warehouse 13 one of the funniest shows I watch, even more so than many comedies. In other words, Warehouse 13 is back and even though the ride is short, I can't wait to enjoy it while it lasts.
Best Quote - Artie: "I'm still the same man that's loved you like a father since the day you put me in electrified handcuffs and kidnapped me. I'm just trying to protect me." Claudia: "You can't, Artie. You can't protect me anymore. You have to let me make my own mistakes and you have to let me get hurt if that's what's supposed to happen."
Funniest Character Interaction - Steve and Artie
MVP - the regents' manual addendums
The "Say What?" Award - Artie is awfully nonchalant about a missing artifact. He should be organizing a full on search by now. Hmm.
Best Clothing Choice - Paracelsus' duster jacket
Worst Plan - Artie and the shield
Best Prank - Ralph Brunsky, Egyptian terrorist
Best Diversion - Yelling, "We're here," and knocking over some artifacts
The "Poor Baby" Award - Steve, who keeps getting beat up
Worst Motto - Scientia Sit Omne - Media ad Pinem Justificat
Screencaps by Serien Junkies
, Andrew's Wonderful World of Pop Culture
, Warehouse 13 Wikia
, TV Rage
, Your Entertainment Corner
, The Backlot
, Anthony Head Appearances
, The Warehouse was My Home
, and Massive Nerdy Warehouse